People always tell me – Don’t do this, stop it, don’t destroy yourself. It would be great if it was that easy. I think bulimia is one of the hardest addictions. Many wouldn’t agree with me, but if you pay attention, food is all around us! It’s clear, we can’t live without it, but WHY it has to be everywhere?! I switch the TV on- numerous TV shows and commercials for food, I open the fridge- food, I go to the grocery store- food. I go for a walk and see huge billboards with food ads, a vast number of bakeries, fast food restaurants, pastry shops and restaurants on every corner, so many things about food on the Internet… Then, how not to think about food?

I take newspaper- there are recipes for delicious meals and delicacies, and on the next page “How to easily lose 10 pounds without starving yourself”… What is this all about then? Now can somebody tell me that an addict can control himself/herself if there is FOOD at every corner?!! And I immediately associate this word with nausea, overeating, vomiting, destruction. My friends tell me about clothes and shoes they bought, the trips they arranged, and what am I to talk about- the money I spent on food which I’m going to THROW UP?!

People say that life is a constant fight…but how to live a normal life? How to be moderate, how to enjoy life and not to let food be stronger than me? The only thing I can do is to clam up, to spend hours in my room thinking in vain about why I did it (and I know I’ll do it again), to hide from others, to shut myself off. I accepted that I have this problem and I can talk about it, but I don’t have strength to do this anymore. It’s impossible to suffer from bulimia and have a normal life cause bulimia controls you and you don’t have time for any other activity.

And there, to whom to address to? To whom to talk to and what’s there to say? I’m running out of strength, nerves, faith… They say that to recognise the problem is half way to healing. I recognised it and now what? There is no magic wand which can solve this, I’m aware of it… but what can I do?

Parents are the greatest support and I know they’ll always be there, but what to tell them? I eat in secret, I hide and then throw up in secret? I want to protect them from my foolishness, and yet it’s not the right way… But what can I tell them? That I’m broke cause I give all my money to sweets? They’ll understand? I don’t think so.

Then what? I’ll spin around forever? I’ll be OK for some time, then it’ll come back to make up for the time I spent not vomiting? Yeah, right… stop, control yourself, chill out, wake up. Everything seems so easy… everything seems so simple.

I hate myself and I’m disgusted with my behaviour, I hate bulimia, but it is the part of me, I’m sick of other people who feel sorry for me, don’t show understanding and consider me crazy. I don’t even love myself or what I am or what I do… SO WHAT?! Bulimia-it’s me… full stop.

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